I am deeply emotional. I love and hurt very deeply. I have always known that about me, but what I realised recently is that I ache to feel strong emotions like a drug addict. I am intentionally seeking it. Always.
The past couple of years, I have been trying to fill this void by seeking friendships where I gave it my all and felt disappointed when I did not receive it with the same intensity. I felt I was too much. I was naive to think that it would actually satisfy me. It didn’t.
All isn’t that bad, I (we, my P and I) discovered powerlifting which soon added a spring in my (our) step. I felt absolutely empowered (haha). I fell in love with myself madly! I have never felt so fiercely beautiful in my entire fucking life.
Later, I realised that I obsessively read my favorite book multiple times over the past years. Its very very long and it became my emotional comfort drug. Whenever I felt less, I would open my book to feel more. I think, I became quite dependent on it to feed me euphoria, melancholy, poignancy, comfort, and a deep sense of some emotion I can’t quite yet put my finger on.
Is it coincidental that when I stopped picking up my book is when I slipped a bit mentally? Some friendships drastically ended. I was quite open mentally. I had space to absorb. I still kept seeking and seeking for the next 3 months without really reaching anywhere.
until…
lo and behold, I was plunged into a whole new universe coincidentally. oddly or supposedly, it was not really new for me, but do you know what was new?
me!!
I was a different person. I saw kink from a completely different set of eyes and a different mind than before. Fuck! Its fucking nuts. The advise I constantly hear is “look at it from a different perspective” and I think I have first hand experience now. Its maddening.
I don’t know yet if this will fill my sense of emotional need, but I have a strong feeling that its going to (if I have understood kink at all! I suspect I have). I am writing this for my P and I mostly, to see where we will be 1 year or even 10 years from now! I love documenting memories because we are constantly changing as humans.
Acknowledgement: The term “Shedonist” is stolen from a song by Hudsy Hawn.