Non-Existent

For the first time I learnt how it is to feel non-existent.

I had to meet my bestfriend and his gang for lunch. I was reluctant because I had never hung out them a lot, but I agreed to go as I had always thrown a fit about that.

“Why do you never call me when you hang out with them? All of them bring their other friends but you never invite me.” I would nag.

“Aww, that’s because it’s different if you’re there too, they don’t open up as much and we end up not having as much fun!” he would chide. I never agreed to that, I had this feeling inside that I would somehow blend with them and have fun too. I was mistaken.

“Why didn’t I just listen to you? I should have known you’re correct most of the time.” My mind screamed.

I tried to eat my roti but I couldn’t, even though roti is one of my favorite food, it was tasteless in my mouth. Nobody on the table noticed my lack of appetite or the fact that I hadn’t joined on any conversation or that I was toying with a single piece of roti for the past 25minutes. Wait. Nobody noticed me at all. Period. They were engrossed in some conversation one after the other and each story would be a continuation of something I had no clue about. But I still pasted a fake smile on my face and continued glancing occasionally at whoever was talking. There was a moment when one of his friends hesitated to talk about a topic due to my presence, she hid it exceptionally well but I could see it in the telltale motion of her eyes when she glanced at me for just a second and then avoided talking about it. My heart sunk. I grabbed my phone and pretended to fiddle with it while I tried to hide my expression.

A close buddy of mine used to constantly tell me that he felt alone even though he was surrounded by a crowd, I never believed him. But today I felt it and the feeling is terrible, I never want to put myself in such a situation again. I wish I had the courage to just get up and leave, but I didn’t want to hurt him and I also noticed how quiet he was, he was just watching the other 5 people talk endlessly with a small smile on his lips. I almost confided in him how bored I was, but resisted at the nth moment because I knew he would start worrying about me and wouldn’t have fun anymore. Hours passed, or were they mere minutes? I couldn’t tell as my mind ran out of idle things to think about.

I looked up from my plate and realized he was talking about something, everyone’s attention and their body were inclined towards him, their eyebrows pinched together, they paid rapt attention to what he was saying and when he finished, they reacted rather differently than how I did.  I genuinely smiled. They ridiculed.

I understood then that I would never fit in with them, they were freezing winter nights and I was a warm sunlit day. The topics which made their eyes widen with excitement made mine widen with shock. I felt I was old-fashioned and boring, I started doubting myself, was I even fun to be with? He blends in with all my friends like fine wine and apple crumbs, and when I’ve failed to replicate the same what does it mean? Does it mean I’m not fit enough for him? These negative thoughts swarmed in my head for a long time until I couldn’t hold it within me. I texted my boy.

Feeling a bit low.

Why?

I feel non-existent here, among them.

No, man. You’re a goddess. If at all you felt non-existent, 

You’d have probably mistaken that in place of being a deity.

:*

I smiled, I continued smiling and wouldn’t stop till the end of lunch.